It Only Gets Worse

 Just came back from visiting my Dad. Absolutely no interaction. Things have been going downhill and it only seems to be accelerating. 

Dad had started to get aggressive toward staff and kept trying to get out of his wheelchair. He has been wheelchair bound almost since he got placed in the home. The last few visits have been hit and miss with Dad - he had been sent to the hospital with possible UTI's 4 times in the last three months. He was aggressive and very dozy and always seemed to be twitching. One time actually ended as an ambulance pulled up to take him to the hospital.  That visit I called to see how Dad was doing and I was told he was being treated for an UTI and was on IV antibiotic for 5 days.  Three days into his stay at the hospital I called to see what was happening with visiting hours - they had changed and my mother and I were able to attend as long as we had three doses of vaccine and would wear masks.  We planned on visiting the next day - however I got a call and was told Dad was being returned to the LTC home. 

His last visit to the hospital was informative. Dad did not have an UTI at any point in time. All his tests came back negative. I actually got to speak to a doctor on the Discharge team who explained what was going on with my father. Dad has been  suffering from delirium with an undiagnosed cause. This occurs in over 50% of the cases in patients who are suffering from Dementia and/or Alzheimer's. They told us we needed to start looking at a plan for end of life and I would need to consult with the Doctor and staff at the LTC home.

An appointment was arranged and I spoke to the doctor the following Monday. the Doctor felt that he sent patients to the hospital and they were returned 'cured'.  IN Dad's case there was no cure happening - he basically stayed at the hospital until he settled down and was returned to LTC. The respite plan is to up his medication so he is not agitated and not as aggressive with staff.

We now come to the last few visits. Dad is sitting in his chair with his eyes closed - the only reaction we got was when I turned his chair and his foot caught the door. He yelled out (in pain or shock?)  He also said Hi when mom said hello to him.. Any other reaction was mumbling and very little eye contact - if he opened them at all.

Yesterday his psychotics meds were increased and he was evaluated by the ROH Geriatric Psychologist.  I am not sure if I will hear any report - as I am not sure what they got from Dad in his current state.

Today I found Dad sleeping in his bed - covered with a weighted blanket (as if in a shroud). He did not respond to my words or my touch. HIs breathing was shallow and he rasped at times (like a snore). His toes were twitching and occasionally his arms would twitch while crossed on his chest. I fear the end is very close.

This disease is awful. My aunt suffered the same way and my cousin told me I have her blessing to shoot her if she gets the same disease. It is so hurtful to see my dad as a shell of the man he once was. The person I go to visit is not the man I know. I wanted to tell him that we sold his car and his house just to get a reaction from him.  There is nothing there.  I feel guilt of not visiting him every day but feel worse of going and watching the ongoing decay in the man who did so much for me. I told hinm today we never saw eye to eye but he did all he could to help me. I have been told there is a long back story about our relationship that I was not aware of until recently. I guess looking back I have a better understanding of how things were.  He does not deserve to go out in this way.

I appreciate all that the LTC staff have done and are trying to do for us. I Do not know what the future holds but I need to make sure I think them for being part of this journey.